Talking about sex with children is something that gets most adults twisted up in knots. Whether it is your own child, a family member, neighbour, student, or a person in your care, you may find yourself in a position where you need to explain about where babies come from, how they are made, or what sex is.
What is important to know is that whether you are using words to communicate about sex or not, we are always communicating something. I often hear clients say, “no one ever talked to me about sex at home when I was growing up”, expressing that they had very little information about sex. However, the majority soon discover that while they had little information given about sex, the lack of communication certainly relayed a clear message, that it is something about sex that is taboo, not talked about, uncomfortable or shameful. This in turn sets the tone and foundation for how we continue to engage with sex and sexuality.
This article is based on over 10 years of conversation with parents and young people in therapy about topics involving sex, sexuality, intimacy, pregnancy, and relationships. The purpose of this article is to give insight and encourage reflection on what we as adults are communicating verbally and non-verbally in relation to sex and sexual health. I strongly encourage reading this article in conjunction with the PDF “Talk Soon, Talk Often” to gain a more well-rounded picture and a good understanding about children’s sexual development.
Why do children absorb feelings of shame from non-communication?
We must understand that children commonly start wondering about topics related to sex and sexuality between 3-5 years of age. By the age of 6-8, they are often aware of the word sex, have often formed a concept about it and are actively curious. At this age range however, children aren’t mature enough to distinguish their parents’ subjective feelings from their own feelings. Children are still wired to learn about how to respond to the world by observing and absorbing the feeling of adults around them. For example, a child that is playing too close to the road where cars are passing notes that “mum feels anxious and looks worried when I’m close to the road and cars, which means that “cars are dangerous and that we feel anxious in the face of danger”. This is not a conscious process but happens on a subconscious and emotional level and ensures survival and adaptation. It is important to understand however that the same process takes place in relation to children’s understanding of sex and sexuality. Because of their developmental stage, they are unable to deduce that “mum and dad feel ashamed to talk about sex”. Rather, they deduce that “sex is a shameful topic and best not talked about”.
While we as adults still perceive them as being very little, they have spent many years observing our relationship with the topic of sex and are forming subconscious concepts and feelings about it. When we as adults’ express discomfort, embarrassment, or avoidance in relation to sexual content, they understand that sex is something taboo, shameful, unspeakable, and uncomfortable.
Parents of teenagers and young adults often wonder why their teenagers engage in secretive or even deceptive behaviours when it comes to their sexual activities. I often hear parents saying, “we never said anything bad about sex, I don’t know why they would hide it from me”. Upon some investigation, we often discover that while nothing “bad” was said, nothing “good“ or normalising was said either, and that talking about sex was either explicitly or implicitly discouraged or avoided. Not surprisingly, when the children reach young adulthood, they mimic the same secretive behaviour that is born out of a feeling saying that this is something mum and dad don’t want to talk with me about.
Will giving negative or warnings about sex discourage children from exploring their sexuality?
The answer to this question is, no. Sexual development begins at birth and children will begin to explore their sexuality as they grow. Research shows that the more age appropriate information children and young adults receive about sex and sexuality, the later they begin engaging in sexual activity, and are more likely to keep themselves safe sexually.
Giving children strong negative messages about sex and sexuality can be harmful as it creates conflict within children and young adults. Meaning that they can’t stop their biological development and the development of sexuality and can therefore often develop feelings of deep shame and guilt.
Parents who give negative messages about sex and sexuality are most commonly not doing so maliciously but often intend to protect children from being taken advantage of, becoming sexually active too early, falling pregnant, getting sexually transmitted infections and so on. Nevertheless, research has clearly demonstrated that age appropriate, accurate information empowers young people to make safer decisions for themselves and ultimately keeps them safer than operating out of shame or fear.
A second common drawback of messages of shame around sex is that the learnt emotional responses of fear, guilt, shame, disgust and so on cannot be turned off at an appropriate time in adulthood. Neither do they simply vanish once we intend on engaging in an adult sexual relationship with our partner. Many relationships can suffer sexually for years due to deep rooted subconscious feelings of discomfort in relation to sex, our own bodies, or sexuality.
How do I know what is age appropriate?
The easiest rule of thumb is to let your child guide you and work with everyday opportunities as they present themselves. From an early age, we get plenty of opportunities to talk about body parts. Use these opportunities to use correct words to describe parts like, breast, penis, testicles, vulva and vagina. This is the first step in communicating that these are normal parts of our body, just like our eyes, ears and nose. Research also shows that children who can confidently talk about their body parts are less likely to be targeted by sexual predators as it signals that the child is more likely to talk about being inappropriately touched with their significant others as there is no feeling of shame to prevent them from doing so.
As children become more verbal, they often ask questions about babies and may ask about how babies are born or made. This is again a good opportunity to volunteer some information about babies growing inside the mother’s womb in the tummy but that they come out from the vagina. Refrain from describing babies as a gift as this is a more mature concept of feelings of gratitude and appreciation and better explained separately and at an age where children are mature enough to understand.
Having worked with many teenage unplanned pregnancies, it is not entirely uncommon even today that teenagers says that they just didn’t think that having sex would result in a pregnancy as they thought of it as a gift because that’s always how it was spoken of in the family. To an adult, the correlation between sex and babies may seem obvious, but it is not obvious to children and youth. Our responsibility is to educate children correctly by giving the basic most simple form of information including that sex equals pregnancy. As they mature, we can elaborate and share more about the relevance of relationship, feelings, love, gratitude and whatever your views or preferences are on the matter.
It is appropriate to explain to children that babies are made when two people have sex. If the child is mature enough to want to understand the mechanics of what sex entails, they will ask you more question about it. If they ask, you can continue to explain step by step, letting the child determine when they feel that they have enough information. You can intermittently ask questions like “is that what you were asking about?”, “was there anything else that you were wondering about?” or “did I answer your question?” to navigate the conversation and determine how much detail to give. If your child is curious about it, they will investigate and find out one way or another, so it’s best that you are their trusted source of information, rather than peers or other sources like the internet.
Around 7-8 years old children are already reading and often coming across the word sex, sexy and phrases such “sexual content” in movie ratings for example. They may ask why they cannot watch certain movies. There may be many reasons, such as language and violence but sexual content is often also a reason that can be easily left unmentioned.
I explain to my 8-year-old daughter that the reason why I don’t want her to watch certain movies is that it has scenes of people having sex, not just kissing or being in bed together naked, but actively having sex. I explain that while it is a normal and beautiful thing, I feel that she is too young to watch it on tv and that I would rather talk about it with her and/or look at age appropriate pictures of having sex in a book if she is curious about it. She knows that basics mechanics of what happens when you have sex, she knows that sex can include a woman and a man, a man and a man or a woman and a woman. I ask her if she feels she understand or if she is confused about any of it. At this point she is not interested in knowing more and is happy to shout out when she is watching something and is unsure if a scene has “sexual content”, which is a word she like to use to demonstrate her knowledge on the matter. At which point I will have a look and let her know what is happening and why I either skip it or let her watch it. Her knowledge and confidence in using the appropriate language is more likely to keep her safe as it clearly communicates that she has adults around that speak to her about these matters and that she is like to know about inappropriate versus safe touch and safe behaviours.
In pre-teen to early teenage years, it is relevant to introduce the topic of masturbation if it has not been spoken of before. Often at this time, most children become aware that certain parts of the body feel different to touch and may experience orgasms. It can be confusing for children who discover orgasms “by accident” and can be reassuring to know that it is a normal response to sexual stimulation. It is also appropriate at this time to talk about consent in more depth and how masturbation, orgasms, sex, babies, and contraception are related. Again, letting the child take the lead on the content is key. If the person that you are speaking to is 9 years old, it may be more relevant to focus on consent and masturbation being appropriately enjoyed in private rather than publicly than focusing on the ins and outs of contraception.
As children move into teenage years, it becomes easier to have conversations about how much they know about sex, what they think about it and their own experiences. It is also easier to explain that you may feel nervous or embarrassed about talking to them about it but that those are your feeling based on your background rather than reflective of the topic. This is also a very good time to be upfront with teenagers about the many emotions that sex and sexuality can stir within us, namely, vulnerability and insecurities as well as excitement and desire and pleasure.
With teenagers, you can be honest about the scope of your knowledge about their questions, encouraging them obtain information from valid sources, and to share their findings with you.
What if I haven’t spoken to my kids about sex before or am too uncomfortable to do so?
If you have read this and thought of any number of scenarios where you have avoided, missed, or intentionally deterred a child from asking or speaking about sex, don’t be alarmed. This article is not meant to further shame or scare anyone, but to explain why it is beneficial to do so, where to get age appropriate information and how you may begin speaking about sex.
As mentioned in the opening sentence, talking about sex makes most adults nervous, regardless of whom were talking to. Speaking of sex often makes us feel vulnerable and shy which are feelings we often try to avoid experiencing.
The most important message is that it is never too soon, or too late to begin talking about sex, and if you feel unsure about how to do so, there is support available.
The bottom line
In conclusion, healthy conversations about sex include more than a one-off “birds and the bees” conversation with children and certainly not a topic that we need to outsource to schools. Having frequent age-appropriate conversations not only help children keep themselves safe but sets them up for a lifetime of a healthy relationship with their own body, their own sexuality, and sexual experiences.
I encourage everyone to read the booklet “Talk Soon, Talk Often” (link to PDF included below) to be familiar with what age-appropriate conversations are and to feel more at ease, whether you have children or not. Keep in mind that you may find yourself in a position where a child asks you questions about sex because you are either someone that they feel comfortable with, or because there may not be anyone else they can talk to.
Talk Soon, Talk Often is a comprehensive pdf booklet that was developed in collaboration with parents to address the most sought after and relevant information to support parents in navigating this topic. Is goes through, common concerns and questions held by parents and talks you through each age bracket in more detail from birth to late teenage years.
If you are aware that you have questions, strong emotions, fears, or discomforts around this topic you may speak to a counsellor to explore the avenues in which you can support children in getting the right information.
Similarly, if would like to talk about your own experiences, thoughts, or concerns, please feel free to contact me for support. Please know that it is never too early or too late to address sex and sexuality, if it is on your mind, let’s talk about it.
To contact, please email hello@yaldacassidy.com.au
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